CLAIMS MAGIC NOT PHERMONES TO BLAME IN BEWITCHING TAIL

LONDON (BP) - The Smoke Monster, best known for his recurring role in JJ Abrams LOST television series, was arrested in London today on statutory rape charges over an incident which allegedly occured during the filming of the most recent Harry Potter movie: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. The LOST Smoke Monster had been romantically linked to Harry Potter star Emma Watson, after their on-set affair ignited U.K. tabloids this past year.

Said the Smoke Monster, "When my agent told me I had booked Harry Potter, I was stoked. It's every television actor's dream: the transition to the big screen. Only later did I learn that I had been conjured and that my presence on the set was the direct result of a social networking stalking spell ("Facebook-maxima-pacifica-via-altlantica") created by Miss Watson specifically for the purpose of luring me overseas, so that she could meet me. She's a fan, apparently. My contract was strictly limited to PG-13 and to my amazement, once Watson had me sequestered away in her trailer, she proceeded to 'rehearse' a variety of NC-17 scenes that enraged the on-site BBC censors and effectively ended her reign as the world's innocent teen darling. As a castmember of LOST, I'm no stranger to the supernatural", he continued, "but Latin is a dead language and I had no idea what she meant by uranicus cunnilingus modo or igneus-crista-secundum-coitus. Only after being detained in a Scotland Yard interrogation room and requesting a Latin translator did I learn what the little witch prodigy had done to me."

A spokesperson for Miss Watson said the young starlet had "got the idea" by watching a career retrospective of Britney Spears videos and had initially gone to Madonna for advice as to how to make a smooth transition from prepubescent bookworm to naughty Hollywood A-lister.

Meanwhile in Santa Monica, a team of production assistants, barristers and bad robots (in the Commonwealth: "naughty robots") have been working overtime to fast-track extradition proceedings to The Island, where, legal experts say, the Smoke Monster is immune from prosecution under the peculiarities of British Common Law regarding the dangers of magic, witchcraft and impulses arising from a latent electra complex.

Hollywood insiders say these recent events have done little to improve strained relations between JJ Abrams and the Smoke Monster, who apparently felt snubbed when he was passed over as a featured pyrotechnics artist in the remake of Star Trek.

Labels: lack of daily variety, satire

--- (w/ P.Ranta)
According to a new study, daily ejaculation can improve the quality of sperm.

The study was sponsored by the number one source of daily ejaculation, Playboy magazine.

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A U.S. District judge ordered Bernie Madoff to 150 years in prison and to forfeit over 171 billion dollars in assets.

Or, as they say in the auto industry, a toilet flush followed by nine zeros and a Federal bailout.

--- (w/ P.Ranta)

Ticket holders for the upcoming Michael Jackson tour were offered their choice of either a refund or a souvenir ticket with a design inspired by Michael Jackson's life.

The front of the souvenir ticket contains artwork from his top forty singles, the back of the ticket contains artwork from his top forty young boys.

BBC NEWS - PESHAWAR, Pakistan. (British Accent) The violent conflict along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border came to an abrupt halt yesterday when Pakistani Taliban leader Baitullah Mehsud attempted to buy a year's supply of Boomsalot surface to air missiles using a cheque drawn from a joint Swiss bank account he shared with his ex-wife, now a U.S. immigrant. Mehsud was stunned to discover that the seemingly endless supply of covert CIA funding was gone, leaving him with little more than $500.00 in overdraft protection.

Mehsud then attempted to use his CIA plausible deniability VISA debit card, backed by treasury bonds underwritten by the People's Republic of China, but, no dice there either. Sensing something was wrong, Mehsud downloaded the iTerrorist app from the iTunes store and checked all his sources of illegal funding: opium profits, white slavery earnings, eBay auctions. Gone, gone, gone. He threw up his hands and declared the insurgency over. "We simply cannot afford it. I have bills! Accounts payable for small arms purchases, petty cash for bribing local officials and my son's prep school in the D.C. suburbs isn't exactly going to pay for itself, either!"

Meshud's wife, Tehreeka-e-Nafaza-e-Shariata-e-Mohammadiola (hip-hop name, nee Smith), now lives in Maryland and has retained the services of Hillary Clinton's (rumored) divorce attorney, Raoul Felder. The two appeared in a press conference on the steps of the D.C. municipal courthouse admonishing Mehsud for reckless spending of the couple's shared income. Said Felder, "When it comes to asset protection, I've seen every trick in the book. Offshore banking. Fictional corporations. Jars full of American Eagle dollar coins. Mr. Meshud was using them all. He's got a son here in the U.S. who needs braces for his teeth, and Mr. Meshud is off in the wilds of South Waziristan joy-riding in a Humvee with an M80 rocket launcher and a tricked out Sony stereo. He and his boys could get any biological weapon sold on the black market, but he claimed he could not afford the payments on Tehreeka's used Toyota Prius. We had to do something about it. And so my offices filed a wage garnishee IRS FORM X-519823421 against his CIA per diem. It wasn't easy. But he called us the next day, repentant and wanting to negotiate."

Leon E. Panetta, deputy director of the CIA was remarkably tight-lipped about the whole affair, saying only that his agency had limited powers to intervene overseas and even more limited powers in reigning in angry divorcees. "Apparently, in today's economy, a Swiss bank account funded with blood money laundered through the cash receipts of a Las Vegas Chuck E. Cheese just isn't sufficient protection against the likes of Raoul Felder. I'm gonna come right out and say it, Raoul Felder's activities are downright un-American. I remember a time when the CIA operated without Congressional oversight, Presidential approval or the meddling of a couple of bitches in pantsuits with nothing better to do than interfere with the hard working men trying to keep American-owned oil interests happy."

After the press conference, Tehreeka Mohammadiola and her son, Flip, looked happy and relieved, but refused to answer questions from reporters as they descended the stairs of the courthouse to get into a Mercedes stretch limousine staffed by the men of Chippendales.

Labels: satire

This past week a U.S. District judge ordered Bernie Madoff to forfeit over 171 billion dollars in assets. I bet he never saw that coming.

This week Iranian clerics urged execution for some protestors. The protestors claim that, under Islamic law, gathering to demand a refund for Michael Jackson concert tickets is only a misdemeanor.

This past week citizens of Beverly Hills were seen gathered mourning the death of pop singer Michael Jackson. A group of plastic surgeons were seen crying as they're owed 30 of the 400 million.

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

JERUSALEM, Israel - In their first ever Skype videoconference, Israel's Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu and Hamas leaders began what appeared to be just another series of veiled insults punctuated by bursts of well-crafted rhetoric. However, Netanyahu noticed a familiar sound drifting over the Skype headset from Hamas headquarters and recognized the beats from an underground house mix by DJ Keoki which had been circulating in the region's discos for at least a month prior.

"When Party, Party (You're the Bomb) came on," said an unidentified Hamas cell leader, "I realized that we had something in common: we liked the same music. We got to talking and realized we hung out at the same clubs and had many of the same friends. But, it was like, totally weird that we hadn't run into each other before! And it became clear that we needed to set aside a millennium of conflict stemming from political and cultural differences and do something fun and peaceful together."

The two nations have agreed to turn the Gaza strip into Eurasia's biggest rave party and decided to kick things off by legalizing ecstasy in the West Bank and distributing free glow-sticks to the first 100,000 people on the dance floor.

In anticipation of opening night, many Israelis and Palestinians, high on e, were lining up near the official entrance to the rave, kissing and licking each other's faces, without any regard to political, ideological or sexual orientation -- a clear sign that the conflict that has plagued this region since the Oslo Accords was coming to a close.

"It's too bad that Arafat is dead," said one raver, "because he totally would have loved this party."

There have been unconfirmed reports that a man matching the description of Bernie Madoff was seen selling bottles of drinking water for $2 each even though the same water is sold in cases of 24 at local supermarkets for $3.99.

Labels: satire

In a move that ensures "victims" of Bernie Madoff's ponzi scheme will be fairly compensated, Congress today approved the creation of a new "zero dollar bill" which will bear the face of former President George W. Bush. The new bill, which will be printed on recycled paper with high security ink refined from the blood of small Iowa children, ensures that every American will have plenty of money to carry around with them during these troubled economic times.

The back face of the bill will feature artwork by Jeff Koons entitled "Recession, what recession?" depicting Dick Cheney surrounded by virgins in the Muslim paradise. Koons will be compensated roughly $100 million dollars for his contribution to the design of the new monetary instrument.

The legislation governing the creation of the new zero dollar bill includes suggested terminology for the criminal vernacular. Where the term "Benjamins" is used to describe $100 bills, "Bushie" will be used to describe the zero denomination. As in, "I rolled up on that fool with a mutual fund flush with high yield sub-prime mortgage futures and all he wanted to invest was a fistful of Bushies."

Labels: satire

The biological warfare division of the U.S. Army reports that 9,200 vials of deadly germs and toxins have been misplaced.

Among the missing vials are 24 containers of deadly swine flu labeled... OK, well, maybe they weren't labeled.

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NASA plans to launch the first Apollo mission in 30 years in attempt to find ice on the moon.

If the probe returns with lunar ice samples, the NASA engineers plan to restock the office refrigerator.

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Authorities in South Dakota have begun using specially trained dogs to sniff out cellphones and tobacco.

Because there's nothing that says criminal activity more than the contents of President Obama's pockets.

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

Starting Monday, June 22nd, the Wall Street Journal will begin publishing under a new name, The Cupertino Financial Ledger.

Said Robert Thomson, editor of the former Wall Street Journal, "It was time to change the masthead to reflect the changes in the economy. America is tired of hearing bad news from Wall Street. But they really love the daily happy report from 1 Infinite Loop. And while it was once true that New York banks once held the bulk of our nation's financial resources, most of that capital has been on deposit at Apple for some time. And Walt Mossberg isn't helping any."

The truth is, many Americans are now using Apple's direct deposit service, which allows them to apply the balance of their hard-earned paychecks directly to their iPhone bill, buy Apple stock or to simply "lay-away" for whatever the next neat new Apple gizmo will be. For most Americans, food, electricity and gasoline are now considered luxury items, while iPods, iPhones and iPhone apps are the new essentials.

As part of a cost-cutting measure, the publishing giant plans to move its offices closer to Cupertino, to a new facility in Guadalajara, Mexico.

Angry WSJ New York City employees arrived en masse in Cupertino this morning to protest the changes and to complain about the quality of bagels in Silicon Valley. Many of the protestors were seen hurling wads of hundred dollar bills onto the grass at the Apple corporate campus as they begged for early access to iPhone 3Gs handsets. So much, in fact, the groundskeepers were having a difficult time keeping the lawns clear of extra cash.

Sources close to the publishers said the 110 year old newspaper had also considered the name Mountain View Pay-Per-Click Herald, but chose The Cupertino Financial Ledger after the Google phone failed to spark.

Labels: satire

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

SILICON VALLEY - facebook.com and twitter.com -- the new darlings of the social networking universe ("new darlings of the social networking universe") -- have announced they've defied California State Law and Proposition 8 by consummating their same-sex marriage in a Walmart store. It's been described by easily-distracted office workers as a new joint-venture that unites the best features of social networking sites under one convenient IM-brella ("brella-brella").

Called bulkfriendship.com, the new service automatically imports all your contacts from friendster, myspace and alt.com into one unified social network of people you hardly know. Contacts can be ranked by age, distance, and by the reciprocal of the square root of your Bacon number ("Baconaise secret recipe").

With bulkfriendship.com, your sense of self-importance will be reinforced daily by a monotonically-increasing self-congratulatory numerical sequence punctuated by spikes in popularity termed TMZEED. Or, in Canada, TMZED.

Keeping abreast of the demands of the cognoscenti, bulkfriendship.com includes an iPhone app which employs the iPhone's geolocation system to create a unique social networking service called Add Everyone in this ZIP CODE.
bulkfriendship.com automatically records statistically beneficial accidents ("Fweats") including public nipple slips, beaver flashes and leaking your sex tape with Pam Anderson onto the internet. No matter how embarrassing, the incriminating images always link back to your official bulkfriendship profile on the internet -- and not the opening monologue on The Tonight Show.

A compelling new feature of the site is the ability to create a quarantine group for people you don't know, people you wish you didn't know and people you regretfully slept with "just the one time" before learning they suffered from venereal disease. From their perspective: you're mutual friends of the closest kind. From your perspective: they're deluded marketing statistics huddled in a convenient herd like so many cattle awaiting slaughter.

Once America completes the transition to digital television, bulkfriendship.com promises to add a button to the iPhone that, with just one click, can turn your entire friend list into a personal zombie army ready to line up at book signings, art openings and to buy that celebrity album you recorded without bothering to learn how to sing.

bulkfriendship.com: from the same venture capitalists that institutionalized corporate greed, destroyed the egalitarian ethic of the internet and inured your nerdy friends to the pay-per-click stylings of underage webcam strippers from Malaysia.

Labels: satire, topical jokes

Former President George H.W. Bush went on a parachute jump in KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine to celebrate 85th birthday.

Onlookers were heard yelling: "Look! In the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a politician falling faster than his son's approval ratings."

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In Canada, the Royal Canadian Mint is under investigation for misplacing some of the nation's gold bullion and precious metals.

The Canadian financial institution lost approximately 10 million dollars, causing many Americans to criticize Canada for creating what financial experts say is an extremely poor imitation of the U.S. economic crisis.

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This past week while President Obama was visiting Germany, genealogists here in the US discovered that Obama's eighth great grandfather was, in fact, born in Germany. So he's part German.

Which probably was NOT what Adolf Hitler was thinking when he said "Germans would one day rule the world".

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

USA Today reports that due to the depressed economy, business is down at the Shady Lady Ranch in Las Vegas, NV. And, as a result, the state licensed brothel plans to add male prostitutes to it's menu of services.

Shady Lady Ranch owner Bobbi Davis said she had already interviewed several highly-qualified candidates for the new position, including Bill Clinton, Elliot Spitzer and Rod Blagojevich.

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On the anniversary of the massacre at Tiananmen square, Chinese foreign minister Qin Gang has blocked Internet access to youtube, Flickr and Facebook.

Minister Gang justified the censorship by explaining Chinese government officials had been overwhelmed by Add Friend requests from from Hirrary Crinton.

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A bomb in Afghanistan killed 3 American soldiers this past week.

I think we can all agree that's a small price to pay to keep the cost of gasoline at $3.00 gallon.

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Authorities from Air France discovered wreckage from Flight 447 which disappeared over the Atlantic Ocean last week. Among the discoveries are two bodies and a briefcase containing a ticket confirmed to be associated with a passenger from the flight.

While French authorities believe there are no survivors, the rumors in Hollywood say survivors of Flight 447 will appear on The Island in the final season of LOST, only to die again after their usefulness to Benjamin Linus has been exhausted.

Somebody had to write that one. It might as well be me.

Labels: lack of daily variety, topical jokes, two-liners

This past week a drunk man unsuccessfully attempted to break into Fort Knox, America's piggy bank, using nothing but a screw-driver.

Police said the man misunderstood news reports that Bernie Madoff had stolen 50 billion dollars from America's piggy bank using nothing but creditors who'd been screwed-over.

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In McIntosh Alabama, the local Splenda manufacturing plant will be closed, eliminated approximately 120 jobs.

The plant has been producing sucralose for the past ten years, but the British-based company plans to relocate the facility to the Pacific Rim in what Singapore officials are calling a pretty sweet deal.

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Hollywood is an uproar as fans of Adam Lambert are demanding a recount for the American Idol finale after rumours of ATT voter fraud surfaced on the internet.

However, Jeb Bush was quoted as saying he knew from the start that Kris Allen was going to win, and that there was nothing wrong with the ATT voting system.

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

Starting June 5th, a new law in Alaska will limit state fisherman to just ONE HALIBUT PER DAY.

A spokesman for Monty Python said the new law would have an immediate impact on TIMBER HARVESTING in the region.

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A Vermont man has been charged with selling cars, trucks and automobile parts that he didn't own.

The name of his dealership? Bernie Madoff Ford, Lincoln and federal jury.

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Catholics in the State of New York have a new leader. Cardinal Timothy Dolan said he will challenge any efforts made to legalize gay marriage. Said the Cardinal:

"Every good Catholic knows that Mass is on Sunday morning, men do not get married to each other and Catholic Priests do not sodomize altar boys."

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

http://whitegirlwhitewallblackcomedy.com/

Conceived, written, produced and directed by me, Mr. Pink. A minor hit on dailymotion.com.

Hit The Spot in Culver City last night to prep some new material for tonight's performance. All went well.

Labels: standup-comedy

May 7th, 2009
The Comedy Store - Main Stage
"Da Nappy Fro Show!"
featuring:
Cathy Lewis
Vargas Mason

and an assortment of minor comics including Mr. Pink, sans 'fro. Still the worst passive aggressive comedian in L.A.

Labels: standup-comedy

Labels: standup-comedy

After 15 years with Microsoft co-founder and Dreamworks investor Paul Allen, Steven Spielberg announced he is going to work for Steve Jobs at Disney, ending speculation that the wunderkind director has, in fact, switched to Mac.

Spielberg admitted he is easily seduced by big budgets and that the "Switch to Mac" ad campaign, with a budget that easily dwarfs even the most obscene Hollywood comic book adaptations, was "really starting to get to him." He said goodbye to Paul Allen, wished him success with that weird, idealistic Jimi Hendrix museum project, and arrived bright and perky the next morning at ABC Disney, ready to get to work.

Unofficially, Steve Jobs is rumored to have remarked Spielberg "looked really good in Mouse ears," but then added that the "3D modeling department at Pixar had already created Spielberg Mouseketeer using Renderman and the director would likely only be needed for occasional voice-over work."

Labels: lack of daily variety, satire

A financial report from the State of Alaska revealed that the value of raw materials exported from the state declined by more than 11% in 2007.

2008 proved to be an exceptional year, however, as Alaska lead all other states in the export of raw material for political comedy.

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In Newcastle, PA, a couple have been jailed on charges that they cooked methamphetamine at home and took their baby daughter along with them on drug deals.

The young girl is now a ward of the State and social workers report she is a very fast learner.

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In Frankfort, Kentucky, more horses are in quarantine after an outbreak of sexually transmitted disease that causes infertility in mares.

At press time it was not made public as to whether the disease had infected former Kentucky Derby champion studs Street Sense, Foolish Pleasure and Genuine Risk.

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

In Prescott, Arizona goats have been eating their way through central State deserts as part of a State-sponsored fire prevention effort.

In Southern California, fires have been a major problem recently. A recent firing at Jenny Craig resulted in a cow eating her way through the Hollywood Hills. Eyewitnesses identified the woman as Kirstie Alley.

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92 year old actor Kirk Douglas has embraced social networking by opening his own myspace page. In Los Angeles, a 65 year old women filed a complaint against KIRK1918 stating "a creepy old man was stalking her".

The Los Angeles judge, however, dismissed the complaint after ruling that myspace is so over, everybody is on Facebook now.

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In Kentucky, a JUDGE has PLEADED GUILTY to federal charges that he used a computer to entice a minor to engage in sexual activity after chatting online with an undercover officer posing as a teenager.

Said the Judge: "I'm just so glad it was the F.B.I. and not Dateline: To Catch a Predator."

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

With his move to the mouse house all but complete, producer Steven Spielberg and screenwriter Diablo Cody announced they are teaming up again for Unwanted Child School Musical, the implausible story of a woman with an illness bearing a cartoon-like resemblance to multiple-personality disorder who is unable to differentiate between her husband and her teenage son, resulting in a hilarious series of unwanted and/or incestuous pregnancies (think Juno, but with an edge). Incest, trailer parks, teen pregnancies, musical set pieces with effeminate teen heartthrobs -- what's not to love about this movie?

In related news, brush fires at the Forest Lawn cemetery in Glendale are burning out of control in what local firefighters are calling Walt Disney turning over in his grave fast enough to ignite weeds.

Labels: lack of daily variety, satire

Former NASDAQ Chariman Bernard Madoff who defrauded his Wall Street clients of over 50 billion dollars wrote an impassioned letter to his clients, friends and colleagues this week.

A confidential source reported the letter reads: "My name is Dr. Spjendal Jyourmoonie and I am the former chairman of NASDAQ but recently find myself exiled here in Africa with immediate need to transfer 50 billion dollars into a US Bank account..."

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

Yahoo news today reported that a man and woman were married in a "stress free" ceremony at a Taco Bell restaurant.

Proponents of Proposition 8 staged a demonstration to stop a lesbian couple from conducting a similar ceremony at Taco-Taco.

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

Most of Hollywood held their breath today in anticipation of results from the Golden Globe awards.

Meanwhile in the Valley, porn-star turned actress Sasha Grey, who is set to star in Steven Soderberg's upcoming film The Girlfriend Experience, was reported to have been honored with her ninth consecutive Golden Shower.

Labels: lack of daily variety, topical jokes, two-liners

A fundamentalist preacher whose father died leaving him a lucrative bible publishing business has filed a copyright infringement lawsuit against the Jewish Reform Movement. "When I started to read passages from their Modern English Translation of the Torah, I got a sickening feeling in my stomach," said Pastor Brightman, "as I encountered page after page of text substantially similar to the Old Testament of my daddy's bible. They have simply copied our book and claimed it to be a new work by a Jewish reformer."

The Jewish community, represented by the firm of Rosenblum and Rodriguez, have counter-sued: claiming Brightman is not anti-semitic, but brain-damaged and in need of care. Judge Goldstein remanded Brightman to the custody of Dr. Levinstein-Kawasaki of the Cedars-Sinai Mental Ward in Los Angeles, California for a full psychological examination.

A plume of purple haze was seen emanating from the special chimney above the Vatican, indicating the Pope agrees with Judge Goldstein.

Pastor Brightman is currently undergoing a "minor corrective vasectomy to prevent permanent brain damage to his children" - in the event that he should seek to have any - after a routine biopsy revealed he had the intellectual capacity of a common teaspoon. "Most people afflicted with this particular genetic disorder suffer from debilitating hallucinations in which the Arab people are seen as global terrorists and a threat to the American way of life," explained Dr. Levinstein-Kawasaki.

Labels: satire

In an unprecedented display of candor, President Bush today claimed that the recession was the result of a global conspiracy masterminded by his father and the industrial-military complex and that he had "been tapped" as a token figurehead to first destroy, then rescue, the economy. He claimed his puppet administration ran into trouble when Cheney accidentally shredded the secret plan to rescue the economy while performing routine office duties such as destroying evidence of illegal wiretapping and falsifying charges against innocent Muslim-Americans who are now serving time for their country at Guantanamo Bay.

The President further claimed the backup copy of the secret plan had been stored on a NIKON flash memory card that he accidentally erased while taking BFF snapshots with Cheney "clownin' around" in the Oval Office. "We lost the plan to save the economy from collapse but got a great photo of Dick pretending to launch a nuclear arsenal against Ottawa, Canada," he said, "I wanted something memorable from my Presidency to pass along to my kids."

Labels: satire, topical jokes

Michael Wright, a former curator at the Science Museum in London, has built a replica of the 2000 year old machine Antikythera, which he demonstrated in his London flat on the eve of the international Antikythera conference. Jennifer Garner is reported to have rappelled down the wall into Mr. Wright's flat, kickboxed Mr. Wright to the floor without the use of a stunt double and stuffed the Antikythera machine into a black duffel bag before disappearing again, presumably back to the safety of the United States where she is wanted for overacting without a WGA-approved dramatic license. JJ Abrams was unavailable for comment, although he is rumored to be studying the latest Rimbaldi artifact in an underground lab financed by a covert, quasi-governmental organization known only as Alias in syndication forever, or AISF.

Labels: lack of daily variety, satire, topical jokes

Vivid Entertainment, a leading provider of upscale adult content, announced it had signed the Women of Enron to a seven picture adult film deal starring Bernard Madoff, former chairman of NASDAQ.

Sources close to the deal say the first movie, titled Anal SEC Probe, is set to start filming in Madoff's swank Manhattan condo before it is seized by Federal prosecutors later this month as part of his indictment proceedings.

Labels: lack of daily variety, topical jokes, two-liners

A Cleveland clinic reported it had successfully completed the first complete face transplant in America. On hand to celebrate the historic event was Kathy Griffin who led fellow celebrity Pam Anderson by the handcuffs up the stairs and into surgery.

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

A woman dressed like the virgin mary posed nude on the cover of the Mexican version of Playboy magazine. The magazine issued an apology and reported the Vatican had purchased all the existing copies for their special collections library. A spokesperson for the Vatican declined to comment but sources familiar with the inner workings of the secret city said it was likely that only the Pope would have access to review the pornographic material.

Also in Italy, a manufacturer of specialty hand lotion was said to have completed it's greatest holiday sales quarter on record, selling all it's available inventory to an unnamed buyer in the Vatican.

Labels: topical jokes

Former NASDAQ chairman Bernard Madoff was in negotiations this week to replace Howie Mandell as the host of the hit TV game show Deal or No Deal.

Madoff reportedly sold the network on the idea of changing the value of the grand prize to fifty billion dollars and using empty briefcases.

Labels: lack of daily variety, topical jokes, two-liners

President-elect Barack Obama announced an initiative to make peace with the international Muslim community.

Many American Muslims celebrated by divesting of their oceanfront homes which financial experts say will cause a crisis in the real estate markets of Guantanamo Bay.

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

An American military pilot slammed his F-16 fighter jet into a suburban San Diego neighborhood killing a family of three in what Pentagon officials are calling the worst terrorist threat to homeland security since Bush took office.

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

President-elect Obama wants to reboot America's global reputation, leading to speculation that the Whitehouse has plans to switch to Mac when Obama takes office in January.

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

With the election looming and President Bush's popularity at an all-time low, Oliver Stone's latest movie about The Bush Administration is in theaters this week. President Bush was also in theaters taking in a double feature of Beverly Hills Chihuahua and High School Musical 3.

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

David Mamet said the same thing about screenplays. The neurosis of the viewer brings it's own closure to the words on the page. In essence, it sees it's own duck.

Click on the image to the right to see the Japanese Professor that designed it.

Labels: fringe

INT. THERAPIST'S OFFICE - DAY

AN OFFICE PHONE on the desk, answers A CALL which leaves VOICE MAIL.


LATER

A MAN AND WOMAN, a couple, sit a safe distance apart on a LOVE SEAT covered in TIGER SKIN FUR.

THE THERAPIST in a Sex in the City, Sarah Jessica Parker eat-your-heart-out, black, cocktail dress.










THE THERAPIST nods gravely.



RICK pulls out a PINK INDEX CARD.




LATER

THE WOMAN is gone. THE THERAPIST is sprawled on the TIGER SKIN LOVE SEAT, her legs splayed wide.


THE MAN'S LOWER BODY is visible, HIS HEAD DEEP UNDER the PARTY DRESS.

As a rule, I take notes from just about anyone. But ultimately, the best source of notes are the gatekeepers. Readers, managers, secretaries, PAs. Whoever is turning the pages looking for the magic slugline that will catapult their talent toward the brass ring. The problem is, they don't send you (me) notes. They send your notes along, but naturally, don't cc you with their commentary. The good news is -- it doesn't matter. It all comes down to an under-appreciated skill I like to call technical remote viewing.

Way back in the mid-nineties, some friends and I were doing our best to recreate the conditions at Andy Warhol's factory. Once we even had a nutjob who walked through our loft brandishing a loaded firearm, threatening to shoot whoever looked at him wrong. Or maybe it was something else. But I digress.

The point is, we had a big loft and a lot of weirdos wandering through. One day, a cute little weirdo with a shag-top wandered into my life through the door to that loft. I can't think of her name at this moment, but what I do remember is that she had some unusual skills and education, the least of which was that she had studied technical remote viewing.

Up until that moment, I hadn't heard of it, but naturally, it piqued my interest. Or maybe it was the way she wore her Ray-Bans. Does it matter? In any event, using Lennon's (related) technique from Dig a Pony, I syndicated her rowing technique.

I pick a moon dog
Well, you can radiate everything you are
yes, you can radiate everything you are
Oh now!

I roll a stoney
Well, you can imitate everyone you know
Yes, you can imitate everyone you know

I guess, in retrospect, I helped her switch boyfriends and she taught me RV. Last I heard, she and her Johnny Depp lookalike were restaging Easy Rider in the mountains of San Luis Obisbo. I wish them well.

RV comes in handy for taking notes on scripts. I send my scripts to the coolest people I can think of, and take notes via TRV. It's better than coverage because ink and symbols are an impoverished pidgin language for the mind's eye.

Labels: coverage

It's pilot and season premiere time. Some disappointments for sure. Prison Break is one of them. I think moving the show to L.A. was probably great for the budget, but the midwest prison from S1 was a key character in the story. Does nobody but me think the success of LOST (a favorite of mine) is partly due to shooting in Hawaii? I guess the counter-example is Alias (not a favorite of mine). Speaking of JJ & friends, Fringe did not fail to disappoint. Entourage remains a great educational program. But not on the subject of romancing the ladies. For that we need to defer to Neil Strauss. I'm glad they're winding up The Shield. True Blood has some great acting and directing, but the premise is thin.

Looking forward to Californication, and am totally getting sucked into Stargate: Atlantis, after having watched the first season on DVD. Maybe I'm infected with the Goa'uld. God knows I am surrounded by Wraith. Glad to see somebody is milking the space vampire concept for all it is worth.

On the reading front, I recently read the scripts for Wanted and Next (Philip K Dick adaptation). I have a SciFi spec out and reading those scripts gave me, if nothing else, increased confidence in my own writing. Most of the great screen moments in the Wanted blockbuster were not in the original script.

From late 2002 to mid-2005, after I split from my stripper-wife in Austin, I lived within walking distance of the Mexico border just outside of San Diego. The scenery was much like the shots from the recent Weeds episodes. I used to mountain bike up and down the dirt roads the Border Patrol used to hunt Mexicans.

In one of my screenplays I have a sequence that involves someone burning their trailer in order to make a break from the past. The idea comes from a Kabir poem that I used to keep on my office door in the mid-90s.

Kabir Poem

I set fire to my house and abandoned it, taking only a stick with me. May only he who is ready to burn his house follow me!

My crazy screenplay looks like a straight Hollywood parody, but it's actually about the zen tradition of crazy wisdom. The house-burning theme is prevalent in many zen traditions, including the more somber ones.

Pop zen is used to sell everything at Whole Foods from lotions to cereal, so I figured real zen could be used to sell a screenplay. The most useful notion in Buddhism is "as you see it, so it is."

AN EXCERPT from a pulpy bio I pounded out this morning.



I rewrote my LOST parody script. I kept having this recurring dream, no doubt due to the mysterious powers of The Island. Yes, The Island told me to rewrite my script. And now, it's a thoroughly post-modern script, self-cleaning oven, the whole bit. So I won't be tempted.

A Biographical Sketch Curiously Devoid of Facts
I wanted to make a movie. But first I had to learn about this elusive discipline called screenplaywriting. I trekked across the frozen north, walking the Alaska highway from Mile Zero in Dawson Creek to the Arctic Circle. From there, I attempted a winter crossing of the Bering Strait wearing nothing but a Speedo and a pair of ice skates. I had to regroup after succumbing to frostbite and losing all feeling in my little Canadian penis. But not necessarily in that order. When finally I arrived at the Shaolin Temple I learned that Syd Field had already returned to his Westwood dojo, but not before leaving the secret teaching of the Shadowless Scene to Master Tyle, the Scottish abbot-in-residence of the zen monastery. Renowned for introducing Earl Grey to diehard Oolong devotees. That's him. Unfortunately, I did not know the secret handshake and so after realizing oneness with Sifu Tyle, I braved the blazing inferno formed by the celphone discharge of thousands of young UCLA coeds. Or maybe it was discharged by the other heat-generating unit that comes as standard equipment on your average california girl. HELL is just another word for low-cut jeans. Lucky for me, I developed an immunity to all things mighty tight while attempting to seduce a pilates instructor in Miami. From my hideout in the high desert near Julian. Using nothing but Amazon.com and an internet connection. But I digress.

When I was a kid I read every book in the Tom Swift series. I'm a fan of Kilgore Trout, Wide Open Beaver and plastic coated ankles and legs.

I had a hobby writing pulpy tech articles for geeky magazines until a stuttering Russian/psychic vampire got all up on my bubblebutt and sucked the fun out of it. I don't know about you, but when I sell my first script in the post-WGA-strike feeding frenzy, I'm going to buy the Zipp-Fizz factory. Even if it means hostile takeover. I heard cocaine gives you nose bleeds. I wouldn't know. Zipp Fizz is cheap, comes conveniently sized for slipping in and out of her fall Prada and won't give you any trouble with the cops when you're driving north, all fizzed-up, in the carpool lane on 405-S from the barista gig at Coffeebean (Rodeo & Wilshire) to the bachelor/screenwriter/craftservice pad in Van Nuys.

When I'm feeling bored, I take an unmarked screenplay and a box of crayola$ to the yellow restaurant at the downtown Standard Hotel and draw astrological symbols on the odd-numbered pages in red crayon. When the waitress/actress comes by to flirt, as she is wont to do, I tell her I am doing uncredited script doctoring for M Night Shyamalan to support the five children I sired with an infertile Amsterdam callgirl named, curiously enough, Kim. Sounds tough, I know, but it turns out the kids have a gift for sluglines. I email them high-concept loglines rejected by Bob Kosberg and over the next 33 days, they TXT me completed screenplays, one scene at a time, from their pink Nokia/linux smartphones. Eurorail. Wiesbaden. The underground rave scene in Prague. Wherever their mom happens to be stationed. There they write to me -- and -- for me -- in shots and story beats. Which is the way god intended. Forget trying to YIM with the modern teen in anglicized hiphop idioms culled from repeated tivo'd Chris Rock reruns. PS. I put all the extraneous exposition right here so I won't be tempted to put it in a script. A good script is like the outfit that turns my head at Miami Beach. Mostly thin strands of black spaghetti with enough black patches to cover the things that you want to see later, with plenty of angles and coverage, in the privacy of a dark room. Dialog should be limited to whatever it takes to convince her to do it with the camera running. One word too many and -- in the morning that art deco room will reek of cheap, slippery hand lotion and the sound of one hand slapping. Like every wannabe screenplayer south of Sunset Blvd., my heart beats a little bit faster for that one dame, that femme fatale, who knows when to quit talking so I don't have to. That's right. She lives in a dank room stacked high with 20lb bond and 1" solid brass brads. She finishes my sentences. She dots my eyes. And crosses my tees. And best of all, she's JD Magna Cum Laude from Stanford Law. Neither of us has any real reason to be doing this. And that makes three of us, counting the late, great Billy Wilder.

Labels: analysis, coverage

NOTE: This post refers to spec screenplays or my write-to-direct scripts. If hiring me to write a script, you can provide a sample script as an example of how you want your script formatted.

There's a lot of information bouncing around about how to format a script. I have experimented with a variety of styles, but, after attempting to build a shotlist for my own "Thank you for Smoking" formatted screenplay, I decided to revisit some of the more classic styles used in the 70s. Subsequently, I choose to write visually and when writing action sequences, call out shots in ALL CAPS.

If you find this disturbing you can either move to the next script in your reading pile or put in an offer on my script. If it turns out that I like your offer as much as you like my screenplay (formatting notwithstanding), I'll be happy to re-write the script, removing all the shots and if you so desire, call out important information with ♥♥♥ PINK HEARTS ♥♥♥ or any other visual device you may prefer.

But make no mistake, it's a preference, not an absolute.

I know some professional readers and have read their screenplays. I'm all GOOD HERE.

I just finished reading an interesting little book on screenwriting filled with recommendations from an "industry pro". I really liked the fact that she copied entire chapters from Syd Field's work without any sort of attribution. I guess it made it easier to write her book. After all, thinking for yourself is such hard work.

MEANWHILE, I'll continue to write my scripts as if I will end up directing them.

I was fortunate to read both David Mamet's Bambi vs. Godzilla and Joe Eszterhas' Devil's Guide to Hollywood in the same week. A week long since past. In particular, Eszterhas had specific recommendations about how to take a meeting in Hollywood, you know, so you don't end up giving your best ideas away for free. Syd Field mentioned that he had served as an expert witness for Mr. Eszterhas on his litigation. And Devil's was written long after his lawsuit. My favorite aspect of Devil's is that it is a fast read. My second favorite aspect of it is how he hurrah!hurrah!hurrah!-Z the past writers who have successfully bitch-slapped the suits. My third favorite aspect of the book is the description of how he sold an outline for million$.

And of course, there's the pitchmeister, Bob Kosberg, who told me, if you want to keep your ideas from being stolen, pitch to everyone. So naturally, anytime I think something good is probably going to be clipped, I pitch it to Bob.

The best part of Joe's book is, naturally enough, the last two pages. Which is approximately two minutes of screen time.

With WALL·E rolling in with the big box office numbers this month, my phone is ringing off the hook for dialog polish work for computer-based character screenplays. Any Hollywood Reader will tell you how important dialog is to a good movie. And yes, with the release of WALL·E -- the five hundred pages of coverage they've written to that effect -- well, let's just say nobody will be arguing with them once the PDF gets pushed up onto thedailyscript.

You think I'm joking, but here's a sample polish I did for my own edification on the WALL·E script:

EXT. DYSTOPIC URBAN LANDSCAPE - DAY

WALL·E AND EVA discuss WALL·E and Eva.








Now, is that a fast read or what?

To my mind, the best script of the year thus far would have to be the screenplay for Presto, the short film that airs before WALL·E. That little clip had more laughs than Get Smart and Zohan combined.

Yes, you too can write the post-modern script. What I'm talking about is a screenplay that itself refers to, or uses elements from the craft of screenwriting - either tacitly or explicitly or both. At it's best, the post-modern screenplay results in Adaptation. At it's worst, The Lucky Slevin. And somewhere in between, The Brick.

The Lucky Slevin is a screenwriting class in a movie. But nobody says it's a good education or a good movie. Not only does the narrator's voice immediately harken back to the golden age of noir, the voiceover also provides informative screenwriting tips. For example, the discussion of the inciting incident, something the voiceover draws to our attention, you know, just in case we're too busy listening to the voiceover to be watching the movie. And not to ignore the ACT III color commentary, when Slevin's voiceover goes to the trouble of explaining how every plotline comes to a neat and tidy resolution by the end of the film. I heard a rumour that the DVD comes packaged with Slevin Cole's Notes including a handy plot flowchart for the hard of reading. Wow, is that edgy filmmaking or what?

Tom Lazarus has a term for this "style". He calls it Morris the Explainer. His book is a lively read.

I hope they gave the production designer an Oscar. After watching that movie I went out and got myself a Bridget Riley-inspired OpArt bedspread and eBayyed myself some retro Trojans from the 1970s. No guarantees if the spermicidial lubricant on those puppies has any kill left in it, but hey, it's the seventies, sexual liberation is the word of the decade and condoms weren't so much a right as a priviledge.

Slevin: How to get your script read in Hollywood by including inside jokes that only Hollywood readers will "get", disarming their sadomasochistic need to pound your script with unwarranted negative coverage, thereby propelling your pulpy work beyond the gatekeepers into the stratospheric nether-regions of greenlightsville.

True love is like a lightning bolt -- if you ask me -- it hits you with an intensity -- one does not expect it. If the two struck are willing participants, it creates an arc between the universe/god and their lives which hastens their evolution in every aspect that I know of. Willing being the key word. In my experience, the unwilling easily trade the gift for lesser experiences, or are talked out of the journey by those confidants claiming to be more knowledgeable or experienced, yet are harboring hidden feelings of competitive jealousy or other fascinating subtext that is sure to skewer new lovers before dropping them into the pit of despair.

True love is a great plotline.