FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

SILICON VALLEY - facebook.com and twitter.com -- the new darlings of the social networking universe ("new darlings of the social networking universe") -- have announced they've defied California State Law and Proposition 8 by consummating their same-sex marriage in a Walmart store. It's been described by easily-distracted office workers as a new joint-venture that unites the best features of social networking sites under one convenient IM-brella ("brella-brella").

Called bulkfriendship.com, the new service automatically imports all your contacts from friendster, myspace and alt.com into one unified social network of people you hardly know. Contacts can be ranked by age, distance, and by the reciprocal of the square root of your Bacon number ("Baconaise secret recipe").

With bulkfriendship.com, your sense of self-importance will be reinforced daily by a monotonically-increasing self-congratulatory numerical sequence punctuated by spikes in popularity termed TMZEED. Or, in Canada, TMZED.

Keeping abreast of the demands of the cognoscenti, bulkfriendship.com includes an iPhone app which employs the iPhone's geolocation system to create a unique social networking service called Add Everyone in this ZIP CODE.
bulkfriendship.com automatically records statistically beneficial accidents ("Fweats") including public nipple slips, beaver flashes and leaking your sex tape with Pam Anderson onto the internet. No matter how embarrassing, the incriminating images always link back to your official bulkfriendship profile on the internet -- and not the opening monologue on The Tonight Show.

A compelling new feature of the site is the ability to create a quarantine group for people you don't know, people you wish you didn't know and people you regretfully slept with "just the one time" before learning they suffered from venereal disease. From their perspective: you're mutual friends of the closest kind. From your perspective: they're deluded marketing statistics huddled in a convenient herd like so many cattle awaiting slaughter.

Once America completes the transition to digital television, bulkfriendship.com promises to add a button to the iPhone that, with just one click, can turn your entire friend list into a personal zombie army ready to line up at book signings, art openings and to buy that celebrity album you recorded without bothering to learn how to sing.

bulkfriendship.com: from the same venture capitalists that institutionalized corporate greed, destroyed the egalitarian ethic of the internet and inured your nerdy friends to the pay-per-click stylings of underage webcam strippers from Malaysia.

Labels: satire, topical jokes