BBC NEWS - PESHAWAR, Pakistan. (British Accent) The violent conflict along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border came to an abrupt halt yesterday when Pakistani Taliban leader Baitullah Mehsud attempted to buy a year's supply of Boomsalot surface to air missiles using a cheque drawn from a joint Swiss bank account he shared with his ex-wife, now a U.S. immigrant. Mehsud was stunned to discover that the seemingly endless supply of covert CIA funding was gone, leaving him with little more than $500.00 in overdraft protection.

Mehsud then attempted to use his CIA plausible deniability VISA debit card, backed by treasury bonds underwritten by the People's Republic of China, but, no dice there either. Sensing something was wrong, Mehsud downloaded the iTerrorist app from the iTunes store and checked all his sources of illegal funding: opium profits, white slavery earnings, eBay auctions. Gone, gone, gone. He threw up his hands and declared the insurgency over. "We simply cannot afford it. I have bills! Accounts payable for small arms purchases, petty cash for bribing local officials and my son's prep school in the D.C. suburbs isn't exactly going to pay for itself, either!"

Meshud's wife, Tehreeka-e-Nafaza-e-Shariata-e-Mohammadiola (hip-hop name, nee Smith), now lives in Maryland and has retained the services of Hillary Clinton's (rumored) divorce attorney, Raoul Felder. The two appeared in a press conference on the steps of the D.C. municipal courthouse admonishing Mehsud for reckless spending of the couple's shared income. Said Felder, "When it comes to asset protection, I've seen every trick in the book. Offshore banking. Fictional corporations. Jars full of American Eagle dollar coins. Mr. Meshud was using them all. He's got a son here in the U.S. who needs braces for his teeth, and Mr. Meshud is off in the wilds of South Waziristan joy-riding in a Humvee with an M80 rocket launcher and a tricked out Sony stereo. He and his boys could get any biological weapon sold on the black market, but he claimed he could not afford the payments on Tehreeka's used Toyota Prius. We had to do something about it. And so my offices filed a wage garnishee IRS FORM X-519823421 against his CIA per diem. It wasn't easy. But he called us the next day, repentant and wanting to negotiate."

Leon E. Panetta, deputy director of the CIA was remarkably tight-lipped about the whole affair, saying only that his agency had limited powers to intervene overseas and even more limited powers in reigning in angry divorcees. "Apparently, in today's economy, a Swiss bank account funded with blood money laundered through the cash receipts of a Las Vegas Chuck E. Cheese just isn't sufficient protection against the likes of Raoul Felder. I'm gonna come right out and say it, Raoul Felder's activities are downright un-American. I remember a time when the CIA operated without Congressional oversight, Presidential approval or the meddling of a couple of bitches in pantsuits with nothing better to do than interfere with the hard working men trying to keep American-owned oil interests happy."

After the press conference, Tehreeka Mohammadiola and her son, Flip, looked happy and relieved, but refused to answer questions from reporters as they descended the stairs of the courthouse to get into a Mercedes stretch limousine staffed by the men of Chippendales.

Labels: satire