CLAIMS MAGIC NOT PHERMONES TO BLAME IN BEWITCHING TAIL

LONDON (BP) - The Smoke Monster, best known for his recurring role in JJ Abrams LOST television series, was arrested in London today on statutory rape charges over an incident which allegedly occured during the filming of the most recent Harry Potter movie: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. The LOST Smoke Monster had been romantically linked to Harry Potter star Emma Watson, after their on-set affair ignited U.K. tabloids this past year.

Said the Smoke Monster, "When my agent told me I had booked Harry Potter, I was stoked. It's every television actor's dream: the transition to the big screen. Only later did I learn that I had been conjured and that my presence on the set was the direct result of a social networking stalking spell ("Facebook-maxima-pacifica-via-altlantica") created by Miss Watson specifically for the purpose of luring me overseas, so that she could meet me. She's a fan, apparently. My contract was strictly limited to PG-13 and to my amazement, once Watson had me sequestered away in her trailer, she proceeded to 'rehearse' a variety of NC-17 scenes that enraged the on-site BBC censors and effectively ended her reign as the world's innocent teen darling. As a castmember of LOST, I'm no stranger to the supernatural", he continued, "but Latin is a dead language and I had no idea what she meant by uranicus cunnilingus modo or igneus-crista-secundum-coitus. Only after being detained in a Scotland Yard interrogation room and requesting a Latin translator did I learn what the little witch prodigy had done to me."

A spokesperson for Miss Watson said the young starlet had "got the idea" by watching a career retrospective of Britney Spears videos and had initially gone to Madonna for advice as to how to make a smooth transition from prepubescent bookworm to naughty Hollywood A-lister.

Meanwhile in Santa Monica, a team of production assistants, barristers and bad robots (in the Commonwealth: "naughty robots") have been working overtime to fast-track extradition proceedings to The Island, where, legal experts say, the Smoke Monster is immune from prosecution under the peculiarities of British Common Law regarding the dangers of magic, witchcraft and impulses arising from a latent electra complex.

Hollywood insiders say these recent events have done little to improve strained relations between JJ Abrams and the Smoke Monster, who apparently felt snubbed when he was passed over as a featured pyrotechnics artist in the remake of Star Trek.

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