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According to a new study, daily ejaculation can improve the quality of sperm.

The study was sponsored by the number one source of daily ejaculation, Playboy magazine.

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A U.S. District judge ordered Bernie Madoff to 150 years in prison and to forfeit over 171 billion dollars in assets.

Or, as they say in the auto industry, a toilet flush followed by nine zeros and a Federal bailout.

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Ticket holders for the upcoming Michael Jackson tour were offered their choice of either a refund or a souvenir ticket with a design inspired by Michael Jackson's life.

The front of the souvenir ticket contains artwork from his top forty singles, the back of the ticket contains artwork from his top forty young boys.

BBC NEWS - PESHAWAR, Pakistan. (British Accent) The violent conflict along the Pakistan-Afghanistan border came to an abrupt halt yesterday when Pakistani Taliban leader Baitullah Mehsud attempted to buy a year's supply of Boomsalot surface to air missiles using a cheque drawn from a joint Swiss bank account he shared with his ex-wife, now a U.S. immigrant. Mehsud was stunned to discover that the seemingly endless supply of covert CIA funding was gone, leaving him with little more than $500.00 in overdraft protection.

Mehsud then attempted to use his CIA plausible deniability VISA debit card, backed by treasury bonds underwritten by the People's Republic of China, but, no dice there either. Sensing something was wrong, Mehsud downloaded the iTerrorist app from the iTunes store and checked all his sources of illegal funding: opium profits, white slavery earnings, eBay auctions. Gone, gone, gone. He threw up his hands and declared the insurgency over. "We simply cannot afford it. I have bills! Accounts payable for small arms purchases, petty cash for bribing local officials and my son's prep school in the D.C. suburbs isn't exactly going to pay for itself, either!"

Meshud's wife, Tehreeka-e-Nafaza-e-Shariata-e-Mohammadiola (hip-hop name, nee Smith), now lives in Maryland and has retained the services of Hillary Clinton's (rumored) divorce attorney, Raoul Felder. The two appeared in a press conference on the steps of the D.C. municipal courthouse admonishing Mehsud for reckless spending of the couple's shared income. Said Felder, "When it comes to asset protection, I've seen every trick in the book. Offshore banking. Fictional corporations. Jars full of American Eagle dollar coins. Mr. Meshud was using them all. He's got a son here in the U.S. who needs braces for his teeth, and Mr. Meshud is off in the wilds of South Waziristan joy-riding in a Humvee with an M80 rocket launcher and a tricked out Sony stereo. He and his boys could get any biological weapon sold on the black market, but he claimed he could not afford the payments on Tehreeka's used Toyota Prius. We had to do something about it. And so my offices filed a wage garnishee IRS FORM X-519823421 against his CIA per diem. It wasn't easy. But he called us the next day, repentant and wanting to negotiate."

Leon E. Panetta, deputy director of the CIA was remarkably tight-lipped about the whole affair, saying only that his agency had limited powers to intervene overseas and even more limited powers in reigning in angry divorcees. "Apparently, in today's economy, a Swiss bank account funded with blood money laundered through the cash receipts of a Las Vegas Chuck E. Cheese just isn't sufficient protection against the likes of Raoul Felder. I'm gonna come right out and say it, Raoul Felder's activities are downright un-American. I remember a time when the CIA operated without Congressional oversight, Presidential approval or the meddling of a couple of bitches in pantsuits with nothing better to do than interfere with the hard working men trying to keep American-owned oil interests happy."

After the press conference, Tehreeka Mohammadiola and her son, Flip, looked happy and relieved, but refused to answer questions from reporters as they descended the stairs of the courthouse to get into a Mercedes stretch limousine staffed by the men of Chippendales.

Labels: satire

This past week a U.S. District judge ordered Bernie Madoff to forfeit over 171 billion dollars in assets. I bet he never saw that coming.

This week Iranian clerics urged execution for some protestors. The protestors claim that, under Islamic law, gathering to demand a refund for Michael Jackson concert tickets is only a misdemeanor.

This past week citizens of Beverly Hills were seen gathered mourning the death of pop singer Michael Jackson. A group of plastic surgeons were seen crying as they're owed 30 of the 400 million.

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

JERUSALEM, Israel - In their first ever Skype videoconference, Israel's Prime Minister Binyamin Netanyahu and Hamas leaders began what appeared to be just another series of veiled insults punctuated by bursts of well-crafted rhetoric. However, Netanyahu noticed a familiar sound drifting over the Skype headset from Hamas headquarters and recognized the beats from an underground house mix by DJ Keoki which had been circulating in the region's discos for at least a month prior.

"When Party, Party (You're the Bomb) came on," said an unidentified Hamas cell leader, "I realized that we had something in common: we liked the same music. We got to talking and realized we hung out at the same clubs and had many of the same friends. But, it was like, totally weird that we hadn't run into each other before! And it became clear that we needed to set aside a millennium of conflict stemming from political and cultural differences and do something fun and peaceful together."

The two nations have agreed to turn the Gaza strip into Eurasia's biggest rave party and decided to kick things off by legalizing ecstasy in the West Bank and distributing free glow-sticks to the first 100,000 people on the dance floor.

In anticipation of opening night, many Israelis and Palestinians, high on e, were lining up near the official entrance to the rave, kissing and licking each other's faces, without any regard to political, ideological or sexual orientation -- a clear sign that the conflict that has plagued this region since the Oslo Accords was coming to a close.

"It's too bad that Arafat is dead," said one raver, "because he totally would have loved this party."

There have been unconfirmed reports that a man matching the description of Bernie Madoff was seen selling bottles of drinking water for $2 each even though the same water is sold in cases of 24 at local supermarkets for $3.99.

Labels: satire

In a move that ensures "victims" of Bernie Madoff's ponzi scheme will be fairly compensated, Congress today approved the creation of a new "zero dollar bill" which will bear the face of former President George W. Bush. The new bill, which will be printed on recycled paper with high security ink refined from the blood of small Iowa children, ensures that every American will have plenty of money to carry around with them during these troubled economic times.

The back face of the bill will feature artwork by Jeff Koons entitled "Recession, what recession?" depicting Dick Cheney surrounded by virgins in the Muslim paradise. Koons will be compensated roughly $100 million dollars for his contribution to the design of the new monetary instrument.

The legislation governing the creation of the new zero dollar bill includes suggested terminology for the criminal vernacular. Where the term "Benjamins" is used to describe $100 bills, "Bushie" will be used to describe the zero denomination. As in, "I rolled up on that fool with a mutual fund flush with high yield sub-prime mortgage futures and all he wanted to invest was a fistful of Bushies."

Labels: satire

The biological warfare division of the U.S. Army reports that 9,200 vials of deadly germs and toxins have been misplaced.

Among the missing vials are 24 containers of deadly swine flu labeled... OK, well, maybe they weren't labeled.

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NASA plans to launch the first Apollo mission in 30 years in attempt to find ice on the moon.

If the probe returns with lunar ice samples, the NASA engineers plan to restock the office refrigerator.

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Authorities in South Dakota have begun using specially trained dogs to sniff out cellphones and tobacco.

Because there's nothing that says criminal activity more than the contents of President Obama's pockets.

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

Starting Monday, June 22nd, the Wall Street Journal will begin publishing under a new name, The Cupertino Financial Ledger.

Said Robert Thomson, editor of the former Wall Street Journal, "It was time to change the masthead to reflect the changes in the economy. America is tired of hearing bad news from Wall Street. But they really love the daily happy report from 1 Infinite Loop. And while it was once true that New York banks once held the bulk of our nation's financial resources, most of that capital has been on deposit at Apple for some time. And Walt Mossberg isn't helping any."

The truth is, many Americans are now using Apple's direct deposit service, which allows them to apply the balance of their hard-earned paychecks directly to their iPhone bill, buy Apple stock or to simply "lay-away" for whatever the next neat new Apple gizmo will be. For most Americans, food, electricity and gasoline are now considered luxury items, while iPods, iPhones and iPhone apps are the new essentials.

As part of a cost-cutting measure, the publishing giant plans to move its offices closer to Cupertino, to a new facility in Guadalajara, Mexico.

Angry WSJ New York City employees arrived en masse in Cupertino this morning to protest the changes and to complain about the quality of bagels in Silicon Valley. Many of the protestors were seen hurling wads of hundred dollar bills onto the grass at the Apple corporate campus as they begged for early access to iPhone 3Gs handsets. So much, in fact, the groundskeepers were having a difficult time keeping the lawns clear of extra cash.

Sources close to the publishers said the 110 year old newspaper had also considered the name Mountain View Pay-Per-Click Herald, but chose The Cupertino Financial Ledger after the Google phone failed to spark.

Labels: satire

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

SILICON VALLEY - facebook.com and twitter.com -- the new darlings of the social networking universe ("new darlings of the social networking universe") -- have announced they've defied California State Law and Proposition 8 by consummating their same-sex marriage in a Walmart store. It's been described by easily-distracted office workers as a new joint-venture that unites the best features of social networking sites under one convenient IM-brella ("brella-brella").

Called bulkfriendship.com, the new service automatically imports all your contacts from friendster, myspace and alt.com into one unified social network of people you hardly know. Contacts can be ranked by age, distance, and by the reciprocal of the square root of your Bacon number ("Baconaise secret recipe").

With bulkfriendship.com, your sense of self-importance will be reinforced daily by a monotonically-increasing self-congratulatory numerical sequence punctuated by spikes in popularity termed TMZEED. Or, in Canada, TMZED.

Keeping abreast of the demands of the cognoscenti, bulkfriendship.com includes an iPhone app which employs the iPhone's geolocation system to create a unique social networking service called Add Everyone in this ZIP CODE.
bulkfriendship.com automatically records statistically beneficial accidents ("Fweats") including public nipple slips, beaver flashes and leaking your sex tape with Pam Anderson onto the internet. No matter how embarrassing, the incriminating images always link back to your official bulkfriendship profile on the internet -- and not the opening monologue on The Tonight Show.

A compelling new feature of the site is the ability to create a quarantine group for people you don't know, people you wish you didn't know and people you regretfully slept with "just the one time" before learning they suffered from venereal disease. From their perspective: you're mutual friends of the closest kind. From your perspective: they're deluded marketing statistics huddled in a convenient herd like so many cattle awaiting slaughter.

Once America completes the transition to digital television, bulkfriendship.com promises to add a button to the iPhone that, with just one click, can turn your entire friend list into a personal zombie army ready to line up at book signings, art openings and to buy that celebrity album you recorded without bothering to learn how to sing.

bulkfriendship.com: from the same venture capitalists that institutionalized corporate greed, destroyed the egalitarian ethic of the internet and inured your nerdy friends to the pay-per-click stylings of underage webcam strippers from Malaysia.

Labels: satire, topical jokes

Former President George H.W. Bush went on a parachute jump in KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine to celebrate 85th birthday.

Onlookers were heard yelling: "Look! In the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's a politician falling faster than his son's approval ratings."

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In Canada, the Royal Canadian Mint is under investigation for misplacing some of the nation's gold bullion and precious metals.

The Canadian financial institution lost approximately 10 million dollars, causing many Americans to criticize Canada for creating what financial experts say is an extremely poor imitation of the U.S. economic crisis.

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This past week while President Obama was visiting Germany, genealogists here in the US discovered that Obama's eighth great grandfather was, in fact, born in Germany. So he's part German.

Which probably was NOT what Adolf Hitler was thinking when he said "Germans would one day rule the world".

Labels: topical jokes, two-liners

USA Today reports that due to the depressed economy, business is down at the Shady Lady Ranch in Las Vegas, NV. And, as a result, the state licensed brothel plans to add male prostitutes to it's menu of services.

Shady Lady Ranch owner Bobbi Davis said she had already interviewed several highly-qualified candidates for the new position, including Bill Clinton, Elliot Spitzer and Rod Blagojevich.

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On the anniversary of the massacre at Tiananmen square, Chinese foreign minister Qin Gang has blocked Internet access to youtube, Flickr and Facebook.

Minister Gang justified the censorship by explaining Chinese government officials had been overwhelmed by Add Friend requests from from Hirrary Crinton.

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A bomb in Afghanistan killed 3 American soldiers this past week.

I think we can all agree that's a small price to pay to keep the cost of gasoline at $3.00 gallon.

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Authorities from Air France discovered wreckage from Flight 447 which disappeared over the Atlantic Ocean last week. Among the discoveries are two bodies and a briefcase containing a ticket confirmed to be associated with a passenger from the flight.

While French authorities believe there are no survivors, the rumors in Hollywood say survivors of Flight 447 will appear on The Island in the final season of LOST, only to die again after their usefulness to Benjamin Linus has been exhausted.

Somebody had to write that one. It might as well be me.

Labels: lack of daily variety, topical jokes, two-liners